Am I Undateable?

This morning I woke up and did my usual Instagram and Facebook routine. I’m usually welcomed with photo’s of delicious looking food and cute smiley doggos. Today though, I was greeted with a post that said in big bold capital letters:

‘NEVER DATE SOME ONE WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM’.

I was mortified. I looked at the screen for a moment, stunned, and then frantically started scrolling through the comments, only to be met with this little snippet of wisdom from said poster:

‘When the honey moon period is over they will start to dislike you for their chronic dissatisfaction and unrealistic expectations, and you will increasingly seem flawed to them.’

I sat there in silence, rooted to my bed. Could this be true? I cast my mind back to my past relationships and started ticking the boxes:

Do I become quickly dissatisfied with my relationships and the world around me? Check.

Am I constantly expecting more from people than what they give? Check.

Am I difficult to please? Sometimes.

I scrolled through the comments further, to find that said person had proceeded to list the key traits of a person with low self-esteem. I felt like a target. It’s like this person had published a ‘How To Spot A Person With low Self-Esteem And How To Tear Them Down Further’ guide.

According to said relationship expert, you can spot a person with low self-esteem by the following traits:

• Clingy behaviour

• Being a people pleaser

• Cheating

• Lying

• Overspending

• Oversensitive

• Not setting boundaries

• Not getting close to their family or friends

• Obsessing about your appearance

• Starting too many fights

• Unable to leave the house without make-up or priming

• Take constructive feedback too personally

• Cannot handle genuine compliments

I ticked several of these boxes: ‘Being a people pleaser’, ‘over-sensitive’, ‘unable to leave the house without make-up’, ‘taking constructive feedback too personally’ and ‘cannot handle genuine compliments’… Yup, all me!

Tears started rolling down my cheeks and I found myself sobbing. Was this the reason why I sabotaged my last relationship? Was my inability to maintain a steady level of contentment and satisfaction at home the cause of the break up? Was I dissatisfied because things should have been better, or was I being brash and irrational? Had I projected the dissatisfaction I had with myself onto my partner?

These thoughts swirled around my head for several minutes as I frantically tried to search for a rational explanation to my apparent self-sabotage. I wanted so badly for this post to not be true.

I sat there for a moment, searching for confirmation that I did not fit into the tight square box that this person seemed to have put all people with low self-esteem into. I realised that the key difference between what the post stated and myself, was that the only flaws I see are my own, not those of others. In fact, my perception of myself is so flawed, that everyone else seems damn near perfect. Is this an issue? To be blunt- yes. But does this make me a toxic, updatable person? No. I am kind, thoughtful and compassionate. I am fun, spontaneous and hard-working. I do have days where I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. And there are some days when I won’t leave the house, but I never expect anyone else to feel the same way as I do or understand exactly how I’m feeling. All anyone ever wants is for the people around them to try and understand.

So if you know someone who suffers from low self-esteem, low self-worth or an overall lack of confidence, build them up, not tear them down. We’re not evil, soul-destroying monsters – we just need a little help from time to time.